OMGWTFBBQ

 Oh hey, so we're less than 5 days away from surgery now. 

Surprise.

And I'm not ashamed to admit that my anxiety is THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF. Not about the surgery itself, mind you. I'm not remotely concerned about that. My doctor is one of the best; he's one of the pioneers of the DaVinci robot for use in gynecological surgeries. His whole shtick is minimally invasive surgeries. The actual slicing and dicing part is not even remotely a concern. So what is it that's got my knickers in a twist? Well, everything else.

This is the first real surgery I'm having. And because of unfortunate PTO and schedule balancing, I'll likely be waking up alone. My partner will be able to bring me there and sit with me for a bit before surgery, but he will have to leave moments after I'm scheduled to go in. This is in no way his fault, and I'm certainly not upset at him for it. The situation does suck, though. I've only had one experience with any kind of anesthesia before, and it ended poorly. (I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say, it ended in a panic attack.)

Then there's this whole situation regarding narcotics. See, the hospital wants to pump me full of them, but every time I've been on them, I've hated the way they made me feel. They killed the pain in the area in question, sure, but I wound up nauseated as all hell, with a screaming headache, brain fog, and just otherwise feeling like turbo trash. I would like to avoid this if at all possible, and at my pre-surgical appointment at the hospital, requested as much. And was told that it wasn't an option, because "not giving you narcotics would be cruel." 

I beg to differ. 

Fortunately, during my appointment with my doctor/surgeon today, he said it would be cruel to not have them available should I need them. He then listed off 3 different, non-narcotic medications that were viable alternatives. I was told to bring it up to the anaesthesia team on Friday before we go in. He's got my back, so there's a decent chance I'll be able to get a fuck-off large dose of Naprosyn, which happens to be a personal favorite.

I'm also concerned about the whole being knocked out thing. I'll be intubated, because that's required. Anyone who is a vocalist is fucking TERRIFIED of being intubated. The whole concept of cramming a relatively rigid plastic tube into one's singing hole is...Let's just say it's safe to assume that nobody wants to be post-surgical Julie Andrews. And if that wasn't enough of a freaking-out point, there's the whole being-put-under thing. Barring the possibility of waking up early (or the extremely unlikely possibility of failing to wake up at all), there are reports of people having horrific nightmares while under. It's my understanding that most people don't dream at all, or at least don't remember anything, but I have heard reports of nightmares. I'm prone to them to begin with. Now, in normal sleep, I've gotten pretty good at shaking myself out of them. But in a drug-induced sleep state? That could be hairy.

And even if everything goes swimmingly (read: I get knocked out, stay asleep, have no nightmares, surgery goes smoothly with no surprises, I don't get narcotics, and I wake up in a normal timeframe), there's the afterwards. Pain is to be expected, and frankly, I have difficulty believing that it could be much worse than the most horrible period issues I've had. I believe I have a pretty high threshold for pain. (Save headaches. Headaches and nausea I'm a great big baby about. I'll admit it.) But for AT LEAST a week, I can't carry anything of any substance. No lifting, no carrying, nothing. Which means that I'll be relying on someone else (read: my partner) to help me with laundry, trash, groceries, the dogs, everything. It's one thing to be part of a team and expect one's partner to assist with things. It's another thing entirely to have no choice but to rely on them completely. I've been pretty fucking independent for the majority of my life, so this is...not fun. (Thanks, it's the trauma.)

All this means that today, my blood pressure was 136/80 when it's usually 118/60, and my resting heart rate was averaging about 95 when it usually hovers around 62. I did not sleep last night. I will be medicating immediately following this post in hopes of being able to sleep tonight. Probably also tomorrow night. And every night until the surgery. But I keep reminding myself that this has to happen. It'll be a week or so of anxiety, pain, discomfort, and reliance on others, but in the long run, the benefits will be worth it.